Getting Real Personal Real Fast.

You read that title and you're like "Woah now! Whatcha doing?!" We're gonna get real personal real fast. I want to say ahead of time, that I'm not boasting in the sense that I have something greater, I'm more going off the verse in 2 Corinthians where Paul says that he will boast in his weakness because then the power of Christ may rest on me (2 Cor. 12:9). To be honest, I almost didn't write this. During worship at house church tonight, I got the message from God to write this out, that it may encourage someone, but in my head, now 3 hours later, I start to doubt. I start to want to hide it back away in it's hole far away. I begin thinking that people will think I'm trying to get attention, trying to plaster my struggles all over the internet and thus the world. And I promise you that's not the case. If you know me well, you know I'm a very private person. I have a (bad) habit of hiding my struggles to where only me and God see them, and thus, the struggles don't get dealt with until months and even years afterward. So, basically, long story short, I pray that this post, finds itself, in the hands of those that need it, that need the encouragement.

Our world is very materialistic; we all know that. It's all about the bigger and better things. That new phone, that new house, that new job, that new purse, that new outfit, that new whatever. Bigger and Better. And out of that same mentality, the world views relationships. That girl must have the gorgeous, hot boyfriend. That guy must have that super attractive, hot girlfriend. And when you get tired of them, then we'll drop them, and we'll go get a new one. There's other fish in the sea right?! And if you don't have one at all, well then, somethings wrong with you...

I got that message all throughout high school. I love people's reaction when I say I've never dated anyone. Never dated anyone in high school, didn't go to my high school proms, haven't dated in college yet. And I used to get really frustrated, and to be honest, there are for sure still times of frustration. There are times when I look at God and say "WHY?! Why me? Why of all people, did you pick me?! You know I feel sometimes like an outcast right?! Like I'm that un-dateable girl that no one wants! Is this what you want for me?!" And His answer is always, "But I love you. And THAT should be enough." I especially went through the feelings of frustration in high school. I didn't understand. I was confused, frustrated, hurt, mad, exhausted from it, etc. I remember waiting nearing prom, hoping that maybe someone would ask Morgan, but it never happened. And this rooted itself into loneliness and then that branched off into decreased self-worth and self-image. I hated myself. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. And I'm sure there are people reading this that knew me that would say, "But you didn't act like you didn't like yourself! You were very happy. I think you are mistaken." I'm not mistaken, refer back to paragraph uno. I was even more private then than I am now.

Yes, sitting here in my sophomore/junior year of college, I still sometimes feel those emotions. They still occasionally come, they were especially here back in August, when some pain from months prior finally hit home. But I've learned several things since those few years of high school. 1) I've learned that not having a boyfriend, does not label you as unwanted, unloved, or ugly. I realized later that God had placed a special protection over me. He knew what would result in my self-worth if I had a relationship that failed. I wasn't ready for that. I thought I was at the time, but I wasn't, my emotions and my self-worth were too fragile; my trust could be shattered too easily. And so, I've learned to view it through that lens. God has me saved for someone very special that will walk into my life at the time that God decrees. I can try to fight God on it, but it's not going to change anything really and isn't going to be beneficial. 2) I've learned that before God places that person into my life, my set goal, aside from striving for the Kingdom, should be to prepare myself for that person. To continue to dig into my relationship with God, to create roots so deep in Him, to continue to work through my struggles, so that when that person comes around, I'm not carrying 5 suitcases with me of past junk to weigh down our relationship. I know I need to work on some more patience, some strength, definitely some more trust. Recently, I've really been working on beauty. For one of the first times in a while, after I got ready this morning, I looked in the mirror and thought I was actually beautiful, and then when I got ready for bed, I still thought I was beautiful. That there is a big accomplishment in my life, and there is still more to come! 3) God is my lover. One of the biggest problems with being in society and the world, is that we want to put our relationship in front of or instead of our relationship with God. But that's wrong. We MUST put Him first ALWAYS. God will make sure that this handsome gentleman does not walk into my life until He is constantly first in my life, and quite honestly, I've asked Him to do that! He was already doing it, but since then, I have asked for that. God is my lover, my pursuer, and I must place Him where He belongs as the center of my life in all areas before someone else steps in.

This is never easy. Being a young woman and having no one, except for that guy that wants to share your umbrella because it's raining and he forgot his, show interest in you, is never easy. It goes against what society says we should have and it goes against our personal need for affection. We want people to want us, but we have to remember that God wants us more than anyone else, and we have to want Him more than anyone else. I don't have it all figured out, and I'll never have it all figured out. I just know that yeah, if you're going through the same thing, then you're not alone. I thought I was. I wasn't. Because even if by chance, no one else is around that has been through that, God is truly right next to me and He suffered it all. You're never alone. Never ever ever. And that's an amazing truth! And never settle for second rate. God wants the best for you, and if you settle for second rate, you won't be happy. I have my boundaries clearly set for when that relationship comes, and I will not negotiate them. They are what they are and they are there for a purpose. End of story. I'm preparing myself for the best Christian relationship possible, where God can look down and hopefully say, "Yeah, those are my kids. I set them up for each other, and they're doing a pretty good job and they're making me smile!" I want all that I do to glorify God including my relationships.

So, yeah, that's it. Live in truth. It's important!